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Lessons in love

Written by Ruth Arnott | Apr 4, 2025 4:55:23 PM

I’ve been diving into Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas—reading, studying, and guiding a small group of women through its lessons. Each day, the book offers a practice, an opportunity to uncover patterns and beliefs about love, connection, and what holds us back.

I’ve spent the last ten years without a committed relationship, and I don’t want that to be my story forever. I’ve told myself, that I just don’t meet available men, that dating apps are full of unsuitable people. But here’s the honest truth: it has felt safer to be alone than to do the deep work of opening up to love again. Safer than risking the heartbreak of slowly discovering I'm with another emotionally unavailable partner. Safer than stepping into spaces where vulnerability could feel like exposure instead of connection.

Two weeks in, and already I see a pattern surfacing—one I didn’t realize was still quietly shaping my choices. Somewhere along the way, I absorbed the belief that my needs are too much or selfish. That wanting, asking, desiring means that I am a burden. I can trace it back to childhood, to the unspoken rules formed at times when my needs weren’t met, and how I made that absence mean that my needs were too much. It would be easy to blame my parents or past partners, but that’s not where the real transformation lies. The real work is in seeing how I have acted from that belief and the impact those actions created. I'm now choosing different actions going forward.

These are some of the ways the belief that my needs are too much/selfish has showed up:
  • I stopped thinking about my dreams and desires let alone let my partners know about them. I then took on a supporting role towards their goals and wondered why I was left feeling unfulfilled.
  • I put up with 'less than' treatment even though I felt neglected, not wanting to make a fuss.
  • The times when I did voice my needs and they continued to not be met, I didn’t uphold them and walk away for fear of being seen as selfish.
  • I have stayed single because that’s the only way (until now) that I don’t run the risk of speaking my needs and being told that I’m selfish.

This is just one belief, one assumption that has been quietly running the show. And, as I untangle it, I can see how many other beliefs are woven into it. This is how we get stuck, whether in relationships that don’t feel right, prolonged periods of singleness, our careers and life in general. It’s not just the circumstances, it’s the unseen belief systems we keep repeating.

The truth is, change doesn’t happen in an instant. There’s no single aha moment that rewires everything overnight. Our beliefs have deep grooves in our brains, well worn pathways that we unconsciously follow. Recognising them is just the beginning and having my coach help bring them to light really helps. However, the real shift happens when we take action that opposes those old beliefs; when we create new evidence that says, this is no longer true.

And so, I’ve been practicing something simple but impactful: asking for what I want and need. Again and again and getting bolder with those requests. Not just in relationships, but in life. Because every time I do, I rewrite the old story, and I make space for something new.