When I was ending my last long-term relationship, I wanted to make sure that the split was fair and I was being reasonable, to him and to myself. Throughout the relationship, I always seemed to cave in and let him have his own way, he seemed to know just what to say or do to get me to concede. I had become aware that I was not being treated with love and respect and that I had been manipulated throughout the relationship but couldn’t quite see how he did it. So, before one of our final conversations about the split, I read a book on manipulation techniques. During the conversation, I noticed most of the techniques I had read about were played out by him. This didn’t surprise me, but what did surprise me was what I learned about myself.
When I reflected on the conversation, many of the techniques that he used appealed to my ego. I had an identity of being fair, reasonable and GOOD. It was my attachment to this identity that enabled him to manipulate me, any insinuation that I wasn’t being seen as respectful, sweet, good, loving, pleasant, accepting etc. (what I saw as the good stuff) got me to give in.
This is the identity that is at the heart of people pleasing, it’s a focus on wanting other people to see us as nice.
It has taken me a lot of work to loosen my attachment to my ‘good’ identity and to the attachment of how I want other people to see me. I have worked to be more comfortable with not being able to control other people’s opinions of me. I have worked to be with my anger and resentment that initially arose when others don’t see me how I want to be seen and to not react from that place. I have worked to see myself as more fully human with access to a whole range of personality traits. I have worked to access my full range of emotions, including the ones I didn’t want others to see, my anger, my sadness.
There has been a cost to reducing my people pleaser tendencies. It has meant losing friends who no longer wanted me around when I didn’t concede or appease when they were angry or disappointed with me.
However, the benefits far out way the cost. I now attract authentic people who are sincere and can express their desires without manipulating. This is because I am showing up as a more fully expressed person and am no longer trying to manipulate them through people pleasing.
If you would like support to stop people pleasing and start to live a life that’s aligned with your authentic self, get in touch.